I do hope you do not mind me sharing these thoughts with you. It has been a long time releasing and letting go. Just recently my brother and I went to a support group on survivors of suicide and I was deeply moved. I'd like to share a deep understanding that I send to you (not to make you sad) but with the intent that there be more light in your path...
(lessons from suicide) Talk about the monkey mind. The guit, the lack of presence, the toxic ongoing strident bitter chatter; I think it is easier to walk on coals or lie on a bed of nails than to survive the suicide of someone you love and someone who is suffering. I learned that the only way to heal is to go through it. No pill, no nothing.
Sogyal Rimpoche wrote "Don’t we know, only too well, that protection from pain doesn’t work, and that when we try to defend ourselves from suffering, we only suffer more and don’t learn what we can from the experience? As Rilke wrote, the protected heart that is “never exposed to loss, innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness; only the won-back heart can ever be satisfied: free, through all it has given up, to rejoice in its mastery.” "
Just like Sogyal Rimpoche says... once reached the bottom, what is left... is a clear sense that life is a gift--not a gift to ourselves but to the Great One, the absolute, the infinite oneness--whatever you call it. We are linked in that realm and we come here as separate sparks of the great fire of oneness. We re meant to live is in the daily instant now. All reduced to moment after moment where our infinite soul fits into finite karma second by second. I have learned from my brother's passing that what we give is ultimately what our life is about and we give this gift as a song that tunes itself to the vast mystery of oneness. What I have after all this pain... after bottoming to acceptance, from the ashes blooms a great gift of love and the clarity that we are fields of sensation and vibration. I am grateful that he and I shared time here on this earth. Whenever I miss him and feel that sacred sorrow I realize that this is all about my needs, my fears, and not about his freedom. Understanding my own attachment and grasping has been a blessing.
When I feel joy under the sun... he is in my heart's freedom and the root of freedom which releases us from the fear of loss surrendering what is, what comes and goes, into the hands of the Great One. I am...
Enjoy your life, deeply...